the beginning

I don’t exist. Something happened, and I dropped into oblivion. The secrets and darkness took over, my soul descended into a depth I would have never witnessed had it really been me. Those around me turned and took the higher road; I couldn’t reach. I tried. I held on as long as I could, wanting to scream and grab the hand of the closest being I could find, but I couldn’t. I drowned in my own saliva, my blood crawled at the thought of life…the monotony of taking another breath. There’s no way to understand, a word cannot describe the tangle of the mind. The incessant dripping of pinging disappointment at each turn. My smile made me look like a demon as I stood and stared at myself in the mirror. You ugly piece of shit. You have nothing and no one, yet I had everything and everyone. Blocking my heart from feeling that joy was a dark delirium of past potential stifled by an innocence completely lost. Fondled by a perverted ego, overshadowed by someone bigger, more powerful than the pebble of an infant. Grossly reminded of my misjudgment’s, each day passes with my ghost around those I love, each moment is a reminder of what I’ve done and who I deserted…that one time, I left without a voice in silence, knowing it would be better for them; they would live and love without me and they did.
Postpartum

One Reply to “the beginning”

  1. Great read! I think for us, which are generation X – we have an advantage because we “lived” in a world without record keeping except what was on our film (mostly not turned into CVS) so we lived our memories of the mind. Then came social media , when we were still young and technically savvy to master such a new world. Some embrassesed it and some ignored it. I was one to embrasse and ignore it. For me it was a tool to spread news faster to my entire Mexican family and spread out friends, than to call every one individually. It actually started as a useful tool! Fast forward and yes you have the next generation using it a documentary of their every move and everyone is a movie star! For now, I use it for business – the face behind my brand and nothing more! I am happy to distinguish what is my story to keep to my close family and friends and what is privledged to the world.

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