Return to ghost of 2014

“We are the sum of our experiences, which is to say that we are burdened by our pasts. When we experience stress or fear in our lives, if we would look carefully, we would find that the cause is actually a memory. It is the emotions which are tied to these memories which affect us now. The subconscious associates an action or person in the present with something that happened in the past. When this occurs, emotions are activated, and stress is produced.”

 

When I gave you everything of me, all my memories, my past childhood abuses and saddens, when I let myself be opened up to who I thought was purely interested in my wellbeing and held me in safe hands…I gave all of myself, each cell of my being, every ounce of my love that perhaps I should have saved for myself and the people around me who needed it more. My time and soul, telling you how I failed as a human and longing to be righted by the one person who I thought loved me unconditionally 100%, who knew mistakes are made and realized that being human is about lighting up another person’s life. I was vibrant and ready to give my all to someone, to be clear on what love really meant, as walking through my life, I look in the mirror and all I see looking back at me is a broken and shattered shell of a woman who has lost every scrap of her soul to an oasis in a dessert that never flourished. I have only ever cared about and loved you but all you have ever thought about is yourself. Our ‘relationship’ in whatever form that has taken has been dictated on your terms the whole time and you have reveled in holding power over me. I was a toy for someone who played with each of his puppets when he was lonely, giving each a crumb of attention, never too much, always keeping them hanging on. I was fun to play with until you got bored and then you discard me and dispose of me like I’m worthless. But it never ended there. A few weeks or months later you would remember how fun that game was, and you come back to repeat your vicious cycle all over again. And each time I’m broken and discarded the damage on my mind and spirit becomes more irreparable.

But you make me feel as though it’s my fault. You twist everything that happens to make it seem like I have let you down and you’re the injured martyr. You claim that I have problems and emotional insecurities, and this is projected onto me so much I start believing that maybe I do have a problem. And then without a conscious thought I find myself groveling with apologies, wanting you to forgive me and you throw them back in my face or ignore them coldly with silence.

 

You have no regard for my feelings at all and you never have done. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you’ve done to me for the past 3 years. And the fact that I know how poisonous you are for me and yet I can’t let you go makes me angrier than anything. I love you, and I hate you at the same time. And oh God I wish I didn’t love you so much. But you do that to people don’t you? You’ve developed this knack of making them think you’re undeniably kind and caring and wonderful. How could you ever do anything wrong or hurtful when you’re so “nice?” Well maybe it’s good I know the truth now as others may not be so lucky. You have always claimed that you care about me and have always had my best intentions at heart. Oh, how chivalrous of you. Where was that chivalry when you put me in the firing line of accusations and blame again and again and again? Where was that kindness when you screamed in my face as I lay on the pavement sobbing my heart out? Or when you told me to go fuck myself because of meeting with friends as if you owned me? Or even when you were refusing to speak to me because I went on a work trip.

I stood by you for an entire year and gave you EVERYTHING, I should have let you rot where you were instead of trying to protect you from the harshness of everything and everyone around you. I hurt when you hurt, I cried when you couldn’t find the will to leave your flat. I came to you when you were in pain or lonely, even while you browsed photos of other women as I lay beside you. The grossness of it all cannot be real, that’s what I tell myself. It isn’t real, he was never who he said he was.

Men approach me in all settings and all I can do is run, far and fast in fear of being manipulated into another love bombing as you did to me. The beauty of my outside hides the intense fear and sadness of my inner being.

I’m so angry that I have always allowed you to have the upper hand in every situation and yet again you’ve left me sitting here without a voice while you get away smiling at your victory in your sick game of power play. And yet I’m still trying to win your forgiveness back. But why? What loyalty do I owe you? I don’t owe you fucking anything. And yet your anger and silence is killing me. I’m so confused, and I don’t know what to do with myself. If I could take a piece of my heart and transfer it to you so you could feel a fraction of what I’m feeling, then maybe you’d address this all very differently.

I want you to leave my thoughts. To leave my heart and the cells within me that you’ve infected for so long. I long for a day where I wake up and don’t think about you anymore, or to be able to sleep through the night without having nightmares.

I long to feel genuinely happy again and to not spend every day of my life struggling through crippling anxiety or paranoia. I want my life back.

But you see this is the problem. You’re a toxic individual and I know I’m better off without you but I can’t let you go. Because despite everything your good points always seem to outweigh your bad and all I can remember are the wonderful times we had. I am so so SO heartbroken. No one has ever had this strong an effect on me EVER. You got under my skin and bit by bit you’ve eaten away at me until there’s near to nothing left.

I’m a shell of the girl that met you. A ghost of someone who once could see a bright side in everything. And now all I feel is emptiness and hollowness and I’m in a pit that I can’t find my way out of.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *