My palms are drenched in sweat, I feel light headed and I feel the tears in my eyes welling up ready to dive down my cheek for all to see. I am not sad, nor has someone affected me deeply to warrant my condition. No, I am simply in a crowded shop. That’s it. For me, my moments of happiness come when I am alone, in the quiet with myself. I find solace in the space between me and other human beings. The thought of attending a party, concert, or simply a grocery store makes me anxious enough to dread the place without actually being physically there. I am not a hermit, and I do enjoy the company of other people at times in my life, however I tend to ebb on the side of lonely. Being alone. I believe I have always been this way, I may have never embraced it due to the possible stigma of society that is put on people who are not social. With the pressure to network, and use social media it is almost as if my energy goes into overload. I have a hard time deciphering real life from cyber life. Is that person my friend because of xyz on Instagram, or do they want me to “LIKE” them or their product? I think it’s harder today than ever before to really get to know anyone, their true spirit, soul, and who they really are because we are SO connected. My definition of a connection is a spiritual, embracing type of connection, not the touch my screen type. Living to live and not be seen is one aspect of my being that I have come to be ok with, I do have my work mask that comes on every so often…but lately it becomes less and less necessary. When I was younger, not much, I felt the need to be everywhere all the time. You know that feeling when you are not invited to something? Even if you don’t care or would prefer to be home, what’s that feeling? Where does it come from? The FOMO (fear of missing out). That’s gone. Maybe in my solitude I weeded out certain desires to embrace mindless conversation. This made me think. Conversations. Meaningful. The search goes on for these enveloping moments. I fear for the person or persons who catches my interest, for the will become my feeding frenzy.